I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” And so on.
The bartender pours two beers and says, “You guys need to know your limits.”
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster
Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs