A Nun on Round

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to brutally pummel her head and face as she doubles over.
Within a minute, she is reduced to a quivering, sobbing mess on the sidewalk. The drunk spits on the nun, and sneers.
“Yeah. . .not so fuckin’ tough NOW, eh Batman?”

The Unexpected ‘Definitely’ Sentence

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“Teacher, can farts travel faster than the
speed of sound?” The teacher was taken aback
and asked, “What does that have to do with
using ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”


The boy replied, “Well, if you fart silently
and it doesn’t smell, you can definitely
sneak one past everyone without them even knowing.”

Young Lady Starts a new Job

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and leaves. The second customer wanders in. The clerk goes over the options with her,
she purchases the black model and is on her way. Her third customer, a little old Polish lady,
comes in some time later.
The clerk describes both options, but the new customer asks “How much for the big red one on
the wall?” The clerk gently explains the difference between the white and black models,
but the customer is adamant about the big red one. When the customer offers the clerk $100, she accepts it.
The boss eventually returns and asks how the day went. The clerk replies “Good! I sold a white dildo for $10,
a black dildo for $20 and your fire extinguisher for $100!”

Story about British Army

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The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to my testicles.’
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to ‘drop ’em’, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant’s penis and began to work back.
‘Dear Lord,’ The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where are your balls?’
The old sergeant-major calmly replied, ‘Afghanistan.’

Wife on the Bed

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just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“What are you doing!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

Slams the Door

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She immediately gets on the phone and rings her husband at work.
He tells her he will take the
day off tomorrow just in case the man shows up a third time.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both make for the door.
The husband whispers to his wife, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door
and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to tell him yes to his question,
because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”
She nods, a yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks, “Do you have a vagina?”
“Yes I do.” says the lady.
The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

Stung by a Bee

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It must be miles away by now.””No, you don’t understand!”
answers the doctor, “I’ll put
some cream on the place you were stung.”
“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”
“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated, “I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you.”
“On my finger!” screamed the man in pain. “The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.”
“Which one?” the doctor.
“How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!”

A Woman and a Baby come into the Doctor’s Office

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pressing, kneading, and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: “No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don’t have any milk!”
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: “Well of course I don’t.” “I’m his aunt – but I’m sure glad I brought him in!”

A Guy Picks up a Girl

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in that. That gave him some relief.
Suddenly he heard a gasp.
The girl was standing at the doorway.
Wide eyed she exclaims- “So, thats how
you guys fill up”.

Old Man in a Forest

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dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to
do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
And so they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and
so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was,
all because of one man and his re-seeding hairline.

Job as a Cashier

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and leaves. The second customer wanders in. The clerk goes over the options with her,
she purchases the black model and is on her way. Her third customer, a little old Polish lady,
comes in some time later.
The clerk describes both options, but the new customer asks “How much for the big red one on
the wall?” The clerk gently explains the difference between the white and black models,
but the customer is adamant about the big red one. When the customer offers the clerk $100, she accepts it.
The boss eventually returns and asks how the day went. The clerk replies “Good! I sold a white dildo for $10,
a black dildo for $20 and your fire extinguisher for $100!”

Big Fat But

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eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says,
“I’m very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down.”
“Oh no! Because he’s so fat?”
“Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired.”