Laugh Out Loud: Best Woman Jokes

Three sorority sisters meet for brunch 20 years after graduation.

by

The waiter asks, “What will you have today?”

“White wine, and a salad.” “White wine and a salad, also.” “White wine! And a salad!”

The conversation starts and Amanda says, “Why don’t you tell us a little about your life, Stacey?”

Stacey says, “It’s amazing! I’m married to an international businessman and we travel all over the world in our own 747! We have a home in Paris, we have a home in Palm Springs, we take our yacht to Saint-Tropez. Last week we were with the Kardsashians and I think Kim is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met! What about you, Amanda?”

“Well, much like you, Stacey. I’m married to an international heart surgeon and we travel the world in our 747. We have a home in London, a home in Miami, and I shop on Rodeo Drive. Last week we were with the Obamas and I think Michelle is the sweetest person I’ve ever met!”

And there sat Hilda. “What about you girl, what’s your life been like?”

“Well nothing like yours. I just married old Joe Jones out of college and we live in a really nice double-wide just out of town. He cuts meat down at the grocery store and we went to Six Flags last year and the kids were really excited about that.”

“Hilda, what happened? You were everything in college! You were the cheerleading captain, you dated the quarterback of the football team – isn’t there anything extraordinary about your life?”

“The only thing I can think of is that when Joe gets sexually aroused and has an erection [Hilda lifts a finger and points with her other hand] we can put 13 parrots on there, like this.”

Amanda wrinkled her brow, looked over her glasses and said, “How many?” “13 parrots.”

Hmm.

They keep drinking white wine and talking and the truth starts to come out. Stacey says, “Guys I got to level with you. I lied earlier. My husband isn’t an international businessman, he’s a real estate agent and we live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We got to go to Dollywood last years and the kids were real excited about that.”

Amanda said, “Guys, I lied, too. My husband isn’t a heart surgeon, he sells insurance where we live, in Topeka, Kansas. We went to Branson last year on vacation and that was kind of fun.”

Stacey said, “Hilda, thank you for being so honest with us earlier, but is there ANYTHING you might have exaggerated about your life?”

Hilda said, “Well, sometimes, [points at tip of finger] when we put that 13th parrot right there on the end, it has to flap its wings to stay on!”

Young Lady Starts a new Job

by

and leaves. The second customer wanders in. The clerk goes over the options with her,
she purchases the black model and is on her way. Her third customer, a little old Polish lady,
comes in some time later.
The clerk describes both options, but the new customer asks “How much for the big red one on
the wall?” The clerk gently explains the difference between the white and black models,
but the customer is adamant about the big red one. When the customer offers the clerk $100, she accepts it.
The boss eventually returns and asks how the day went. The clerk replies “Good! I sold a white dildo for $10,
a black dildo for $20 and your fire extinguisher for $100!”

A Woman and a Baby come into the Doctor’s Office

by

pressing, kneading, and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: “No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don’t have any milk!”
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: “Well of course I don’t.” “I’m his aunt – but I’m sure glad I brought him in!”

A Woman in Her 90s

by

“it is at the height of your
left nipple”
The elderly woman thanks the man
and ends the call.
A new day arrives and the doctor
reads the headline of his newspaper
“Elderly woman wants to commit suicide,
shoots herself in the knee”

My Aunt had a Hard Time

by

guess any position will do.” The bar owner thought for a few seconds. Then she said, “Madam, do you get around in a wheelchair?” A little taken aback, my aunt replied, “No. I hop around on crutches most of the time.” Again, the bartender paused, thinking. My aunt began to look a little concerned. Finally, the bar owner spoke. “Congratulations, you can come in for orientation next week.” Ecstatic, my aunt asked the bar owner what position she was being considered for. “Oh that became an easy answer once you told me you get around on crutches. We’re putting you in charge of the hops.”