Man Jokes

whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, please.”

her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

Fanny Green?’ ‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied. ‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’ The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’

couple of sick days from work…”
“Suzie was so thrilled to have me around,
that every time a mail or delivery person
came by, she’d run down the driveway waving
her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home!
My husband’s home!’”

time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.
“I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.
“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

for another man’ the man says
‘what’s the good then?’ And
the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’

can’t buy you a drink! LOL

the thief’s wife has
started using it

falling on my face!
Wife: Idiot, you left
your wheelchair at the bar!

“You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

up the driveway when the dad steps in a pile of dog poop.
“SHIT!” He exclaims.
The little boy asks, “Daddy whats shit?”
Dad points to his shoe.
Sometime later, the boy goes upstairs to the bathroom to see his
dad shaving. He accidentally cuts himself and yells. “NUTS!”
“Daddy? Whats nuts?”
Dad points to his face.
Boy finally goes into this kitchen to see his mother stuffing a turkey.
She drops some of the stuffing on the floor and yells “FUCK!”
“Mommy? Whats fuck?”
She points at the dropped stuffing.
Sometime later, there is a knock on the door. Its a cop that is
investigating a rash of local crime, interviewing the neighbors.
The little boy answers the door and gleefully says
“Howdy Bastard! Wipe your shit on the mat. Dads upstairs shaving his nuts.
Moms in the kitchen fucking a turkey.!”

librarian, “Can I please
have some ham and cheese?”

“Are you sure?”. He screams “Hell, yes!”.
The devil goes up to the cheerleader and
says “You can stop now. I found someone
to replace you”

that’s what you think it’s worth.. you have a deal!”
“Great!” replies the pawn broker, shaking his hand.
“Here’s twenty bucks,” says the old man. “I’ll buy it right now!”
The broker stops, and suddenly looks confused. “Wait…. buy?” he asks.
“Yes!” smiles the old man as he flips the guitar over, “This one has a
sticker price of $150, but now that I have
your honest opinion I think twenty bucks is a great deal!”