Husband Wife Jokes – Funny

A newly divorced woman is strolling along the beach, disappointed about how horribly the divorce settlement turned out for her.

As she’s walking, she spots an old lamp half buried in the sand. Hopelessly, she picks it up and rubs the lamp, and to her surprise, a genie appears!

The genie notices she is upset and lets her vent before proceeding to grant her three wishes. He, however, cautions her that he is not a fan of divorce, and will give her ex-husband ten times of whatever she wishes.

She winces, but asks for her first wish.
“I wish to have a billion dollars.”

Poof! The next second, mountains of crisp banknotes, amounting to a billion dollars, surround her. Her happiness is short-lived as the genie reminds her, “Your ex-husband now has ten billion dollars. Next?”

Her face has started to turn red, but she composes herself.
“I wish for a 25,000 sq ft private mansion on this beach.”

Instantly, a beautifully luxurious mansion, with all modern facilities, appears in front of her. Before she could revel in the joy, the genie pointed her in a direction, where to her horror, stood ten similar, magnificent mansions.

“Now, what’s your final wish?”

“I wish to give birth to twins.”

Chatting in the pub with my Scottish pal and I was stuck on a crossword clue; “Stranded on a Desert Island (8)”

“Marooned?” He said.

I replied “Oh nice one, I’ll have another beer but I still need an answer when you come back.”

I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve got a confession to make.” She says, “So have I, love.” To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”

The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?” “Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,

“Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!” “I remember that too,” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”

however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket.” “What for?” she asked, “Damaging his windshield?” “No, for flipping him the bird!”

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’. She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies. The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’ ‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him. The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?’ ‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

honey. And you sweetheart?
Boyfriend: In the club standing
behind you.

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he goes back to the phone.”What are you doing now?” she asks.

“I’m still hungry, so I’m going to ring room service for some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.””Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?””No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”

it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and she left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!” Then he hung up and walked out of the room.

Heartbroken she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary eyes, she read: “I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread”.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies,

“I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”

I went to the doctor recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

doing that for?” Asked the judge.
“Fu***ng looking for me.”