Humor Jokes

The secretary and I both
started laughing hysterically.

the whole list again
yesterday.

Two Cats And The Monkey Story:

One day two cats were arguing over a piece of bread. They kept fighting over how much each of them should get. A monkey was perched on a tree nearby and was watching the argument happen. He called out to the cats and said he was willing to help them split their bread. He told them he would split it in half and each cat would get one half.

The cats handed their bread over to the monkey. He split it in two pieces, but one of the pieces ended up larger than the other. Now the monkey nibbled on the larger piece and tried to make it equal but it ended on smaller than the other.

He kept nibbling on the bread, in attempts to make the equal, but he ended up eating all the bread! He had tricked the cats and when they asked him what he’d done. He said that if they had split the bread themselves this wouldn’t have happened. Laughing, the monkey swung away from the tree to tree.

The Clever Rooster Story

One day, on a fine evening, a hungry fox was trotting around the street when he saw a rooster sitting on the roof of a house. The fox thought that maybe, if he could eat up the rooster somehow, it would make such a wonderful fulfilling meal. “Oh dear rooster! You look like you have a terrible fever. Why don’t you come down so I can check” said the fox, looking up at the rooster. But the rooster was clever enough to know what the fox was up to. “Oh my dear fox” he said and began to laugh. The fox became embarrassed that the rooster had figured out his plan and ran away on the street.

The Forgetful Elephant Story

There once lived an elephant named Peter, who was the most forgetful elephant ever. It was almost as if he could never remember anything when the need be. He would often forget where he had kept his things. Or, he would forget if he had breakfast or not and end up having it twice. Sometimes he would even forget what he said to his friends and even the favorite character in his favorite movie. But the worst part of it all was that, Peter would often forget the plans he had made with people. He was notorious for always being late, that was in the case he remembered to actually show up at plan. But most of his friends had accepted Peter the way he was; except Suzy.

Suzy was Peter’s wife, and she was growing tired of Peter ditching plans all the time. Of course, Peter never intended to miss their hangouts, but somehow he would always end up forgetting. This made Suzy feel less important in his life day by day. One day Suzy met Peter and said: “It is our anniversary tomorrow and we will go out for dinner, if you’re not on time, we’re done for good.”

Peter was worried that he would upset Suzy this time. There had to be a way for him to remember. He took out a red ribbon from his drawer and tied it around his trunk. He thought that next morning when he would look at the ribbon it would remind him of the dinner and he would not miss it. That night Peter went to sleep thinking he was on to something. But, the next morning when Peter woke up and looked at himself in the mirror, he saw the red ribbon. But he had forgotten what it was for. He knew it had to remind him of something, but he no longer knew what. Peter panicked and panicked, he paced all around his house trying to figure out what it was that he was forgetting but to no avail.

He called all his friends and all the places he usually went to asking if he had a commitment with anyone, yet there were none. Soon night took over the sky and Peter decided that he would ask Suzy what the ribbon was for. She must remember. Peter rushed to Suzy and expected her to remember but even before Peter had the chance to ask her, she embraced him and gave him the biggest smooch he had ever gotten in all his elephant years. He had arrived in time for the dinner and they ended up going out and having a lovely night, full of love, laughter and fun. But Peter never found out what the ribbon was for.

The Monkey’s Heart Story

Upon the river bank there was crocodile who was about to lay eggs. Like any other lady about to pop out a baby, the crocodile had an odd situation of cravings going on. One day, proving to be the loving husband he was, her husband made the mistake of asking her what she would like to eat.

“A monkey’s heart” was her reply. Her husband was confused, and lost. How on earth was he to get a monkey’s heart? But being the great spouse he was, he came up with a plan. First, he destroyed the bridge the monkey usually used to cross the river.

When the monkey arrived at the bank, he stood confused. “Oh banana skins! Where on earth is the bridge?” That’s exactly the kind of question the crocodile had been waiting for. “Hey monkey! I’ll help you cross the river!” The monkey was surprised at the kind request and so he agreed. He climbed onto the crocodile’s back and they began to swim across the river but as they reached the middle, the crocodile confessed to the monkey. “I’m not really helping your cross the river. In reality my wife wants to eat a monkey’s heart and I will give you over to her.” The monkey was shocked, but he was a clever man. He knew what to do.

“I am so grateful for your honesty, but even if you give me over to your wife, she still won’t get my heart, because we don’t keep it in our chest.” smiled the monkey. “What? Then where is your heart?” asked the crocodile confused. “We keep our hearts on the highest tops of the fig trees, safe and sound. Since you have been so honest, if you agree to not hurt me, I will quickly go and fetch my heart and toss it to you” said the monkey. The poor crocodile who was a gullible creature, agreed.

“Sounds good” he said and they began to swim back to the bank. When they reached the bank, the monkey quickly climbed onto a tree and began to laugh. He had fooled the poor crocodile and had escaped. “Darn it!” snapped the crocodile, and began to swim back to his home, ready to face the wrath of his hungry wife.

on the door. Flustered, one says, “Who is it?”
followed by a man’s voice saying, “Blind man.”
Figuring the man wouldn’t see anything, they
open the door. The man walks in and says,
“Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me
to install these blinds?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to
teach her child: “It is because of you, dear.
Every bad action of yours will turn one of my
hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why
grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

a brain cost?” asked the relatives.”For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.”
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient’s daughter asked, “Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”
“A standard pricing practice,” said the head of the team. “Women’s brains have to be marked down because they are used.”