Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”

Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”

Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”

Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.”

Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”

Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!!”

Chinese: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”

it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, “OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Dolly was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

“Sorry, Dolly,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”

farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’

‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying eggs again.’ ‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

can find one for under that amount.
If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one
for $499. Having only one dollar left,

she goes to the telegraph office and finds
out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to
bring the truck and trailer. Finally,

she tells the telegraph operator to send
the word “comfortable.”

Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will
she knows to come with the trailer from

just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s
a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

the princess is having huge discomfort on her chest, he summoned all the palace workers and asked if they know the remedy. Johnny raised his hand and answered
“My Prince, I know of the solution of the problem, it’s a virus, originated in Spain which travels through many countries and infects people rapidly, there is only one solution to this, Prince… but I’m not sure you would like it.

The prince instantly replies “Go on, what is the solution?”
“Well, I know a person, he has the cure in his tongue, when his tongue touches the affected body part it cures the person, if you allow me I will call him immediately to the palace at once.”

“Yes, please do it.”
Johnny’s friend comes and does his thing, enjoying and savouring every moment of it, and also secretly applying the lotion which cures the itching. The Prince and Princess thank him, and he leaves.

At night, Johnny asked his friend for his pay to which his friend refused without any second thoughts and said
“I made a fool out of you, now go, I won’t give you your money. What are you going to do? Tell the prince that you sprinkled the itching powder on the princess?”

Johnny was very furious at this, he thought for a while and then he found out what to do. He sprinkled the itching powder on the prince’s underwear.

confused, asks “Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer
more expensive than of a physicist?” “Because it’s
never been used” The clerk replies.

Tooth Do You Want Pulled?” Asks The Dentist.
The Woman Shoves Her Husband Toward The Dentist.
“Go Ahead, Dear. Show Him Your Tooth.”

Navy, the captain goes down
with the ship.

“I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband,
“quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and
begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny
appears, sobbing his little heart out.

“What’s the matter, son?” asks the father.
“Uncle James is in the closet with no

clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful
toddler. Enraged, the man runs back
upstairs, flings open the wardrobe

and finds his brother there absolutely
naked, just as his son had said.

“You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife
is over there having a heart attack and you’re
running around naked scaring Johnny!”

He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.” Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”

“Nice to meet you too. My name is Tobias and I am here to fuck your daughter.”.
The father stares at him shocked and says angrily: “Excuse me?? To what?!”
“It’s Tobias, but you can call me Tobi if you like”, he responds and walks in.