Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!
WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you
since yesterday.
What can you do when you only have 24 hours to live
Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor
What’s better than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that’s filled with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you.
From naughty gags to close-to-the-knuckle toilet humor, look no further. Short rude jokes, jokes, chat-up lines, Rude knock-knock jokes.
When you die, Which Part of Your Body Goes First in Heaven ?”
Little Johnny raised his hand and said “Sister, I think it’s your feet.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?” Little Johnny said “Well, I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying ‘Oh God, I’m coming.’ I gotta tell you, if dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her!”
Change Comes From Within
A man received his sandwich, he gave the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor just smiled. The man, infuriated, demanded, “Where is my change.” The vendor replied, “Oh, one with everything, change comes from within.”
When a Chinese doctor gets a job in the USA
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.”
Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!!”
Chinese: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”
Big Br@ast Vs royal Flush Beats
it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, “OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Dolly was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
“Sorry, Dolly,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”
The Woman and the Farmer
farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying eggs again.’ ‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!
A blonde and redhead wants to buy a bull
can find one for under that amount.
If I can, I will send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one
for $499. Having only one dollar left,
she goes to the telegraph office and finds
out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to
bring the truck and trailer. Finally,
she tells the telegraph operator to send
the word “comfortable.”
Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will
she knows to come with the trailer from
just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s
a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”
When a Man Wants to Lick the Princes
the princess is having huge discomfort on her chest, he summoned all the palace workers and asked if they know the remedy. Johnny raised his hand and answered
“My Prince, I know of the solution of the problem, it’s a virus, originated in Spain which travels through many countries and infects people rapidly, there is only one solution to this, Prince… but I’m not sure you would like it.
The prince instantly replies “Go on, what is the solution?”
“Well, I know a person, he has the cure in his tongue, when his tongue touches the affected body part it cures the person, if you allow me I will call him immediately to the palace at once.”
“Yes, please do it.”
Johnny’s friend comes and does his thing, enjoying and savouring every moment of it, and also secretly applying the lotion which cures the itching. The Prince and Princess thank him, and he leaves.
At night, Johnny asked his friend for his pay to which his friend refused without any second thoughts and said
“I made a fool out of you, now go, I won’t give you your money. What are you going to do? Tell the prince that you sprinkled the itching powder on the princess?”
Johnny was very furious at this, he thought for a while and then he found out what to do. He sprinkled the itching powder on the prince’s underwear.
Man Goes to the Buy the New Brain
confused, asks “Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer
more expensive than of a physicist?” “Because it’s
never been used” The clerk replies.
Woman Shoves
Tooth Do You Want Pulled?” Asks The Dentist.
The Woman Shoves Her Husband Toward The Dentist.
“Go Ahead, Dear. Show Him Your Tooth.”
Army Man Lost his Rifle
Navy, the captain goes down
with the ship.
One Day He Found His Wife Naked on Bed
“I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband,
“quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”
He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and
begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny
appears, sobbing his little heart out.
“What’s the matter, son?” asks the father.
“Uncle James is in the closet with no
clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful
toddler. Enraged, the man runs back
upstairs, flings open the wardrobe
and finds his brother there absolutely
naked, just as his son had said.
“You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife
is over there having a heart attack and you’re
running around naked scaring Johnny!”