Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

An elderly couple talk in the evening:

“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”

“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”

“And that helps?”

“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.
So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The baby’s head pops out again. “Hey, you my dad?”
Father “Yes!”
Baby, “Well come here” and a tiny arm squeezes out, and starts to punch the top of the father’s
head nonstop while shouting “HOW…WOULD…YOU…LIKE…THIS…TO…HAPPEN…EVERY…NIGHT…OF…YOUR…LIFE”

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?”
She answered by saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!”
She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?”
She answered again saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money!”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes …”

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

As you all know, even today, there is negative thinking among our countrymen about girls. Even today, criminal cases like feticide occur. Due to this, there is a great difference in the ratio of girls to boys. Keeping this in mind, the Haryana Government has started the Haryana Aapki Beti Hamara Beti Yojana. Today we are going to provide you all the important information related to this scheme through this article. Such as what is Aapki Beti Humari Beti Yojana? the purpose of the scheme, benefits, eligibility, necessary documents, the application process, etc. So friends, if you want to get all the important information related to this scheme then you are requested to read this article till the end.

what is Apki Beti Hamari Beti Haryana scheme?

Many schemes are launched by the Haryana government from time to time for the education of daughters. Aapki Beti Humari Beti Yojana has been launched for the daughters of Haryana. The scheme was started in 2015. Under this scheme, all the girls of Haryana who are born on or after 22 January 2015 will be provided financial assistance of ₹ 21000. This financial assistance will be provided to them on completion of 18 years of age. Apart from this, if another daughter is also born in the family, then she will be provided financial assistance of ₹ 5000 for 5 years. The objective of this scheme is to reduce the ratio between boys and girls and to prevent crimes like feticide.

Haryana Aapki Beti Hamari Beti Yojana 12046 daughters get the benefit

Under the Haryana Aapki Beti Humari Beti Yojana, financial assistance of ₹ 21000 on the birth of a daughter is provided by the Government of Haryana. Under this scheme, an amount of ₹ 21000 is not provided on the birth of a daughter. Rather, insurance of ₹ 21000 is given on the birth of a daughter. Those who are provided to the daughter after she attains the age of 18 years. This scheme was started to remove negative thinking about daughters. This scheme is being operated successfully. Haryana Aapki Beti Hamari Beti Yojana is administered by the Ministry of Women and Child Development. 12046 daughters have been benefited in Haryana’s district Kurukshetra.

Financial assistance will also be provided under this scheme on the birth of another daughter. To avail of this scheme, it is mandatory for the beneficiary to be a permanent resident of Haryana and the daughter should be born on or after 22 January 2015. Under this scheme, people belonging to economically weaker sections and scheduled castes, scheduled tribes can benefit.

Who will get the benefit of your daughter, our daughter scheme

Haryana Aapki Beti Hamari Beti Yojana can be availed by all the poor families and also those families who belong to the Scheduled Castes and Scheduled Tribes. To take advantage of Aapki Beti Humari Beti Yojana, the daughter’s mother will have to get herself registered at the Anganwadi center if she is pregnant. All interested candidates read this article carefully to get all the information related to this scheme.

Haryana Aapki Beti Hamara Beti Yojana aims

The main objective of Aapki Beti Humari Beti Yojana is to equalize the number of girls in the states as compared to boys. At present, the number of girls in Haryana is very less than boys in Haryana. This ratio will be reduced by the government through this scheme. Through this scheme, negative thinking about girls will also change. All those people who used to consider girls as a burden, murdered in the womb itself. Their thinking will also change. The financial assistance provided by the government can be used for girls’ education.

Haryana Aapki Beti Hamari Beti Yojana benefits and features

Haryana Aapki Beti Hamari Beti Yojana will provide an amount of ₹ 21000 to the first daughter of the family on completion of 18 years.
The second daughter of the family will be provided financial assistance of ₹ 5000 every year for 5 years.
Citizens of Haryana will be able to avail the benefits of this scheme.
The beneficiary has to apply to take advantage of this scheme.
All those who are financially weak or belong to Scheduled Caste, Tribe can avail of the scheme.
Daughters born on or after 22 January 2015 can avail of this scheme.
The amount of this scheme will be deposited in Indian Life Insurance till the daughter turns 18.
Through Aapki Beti Humari Beti Yojana 2021, there will be a change in negative thinking about the girls of the people.
There will also be a decrease in feticide.
The number of girls will also be equal to that of boys.

Your daughter is eligible for our daughter scheme 2021

To take advantage of Haryana Aapki Beti Humari Beti Yojana 2021, the parents of the daughter are required to be permanent residents of Haryana.
The first daughter of a parent must be born on or after 22 January 2015 to avail of this scheme.
The daughter must be of the Scheduled Caste, Tribe, or BPL category.
In order to take advantage of this scheme, the mother will have to register at her nearest Anganwadi while she is pregnant.

Haryana Aapki Beti Humari Beti Yojana 2021 required documents

 

• Aadhar card
• income certificate
• caste certificate
• Photocopy of BPL Ration Card
• Birth certificate of girl child
• Passport size photo
• Basic address proof

The offline application process in Haryana Aapki Beti Hamari Beti Yojana

• After the birth of the daughter, the parents will have to go to the nearest Anganwadi center.
• Now you have to take the application form from there.
• You have to fill in all the information asked in the application form carefully.
• Now you have to attach all the documents.
• After this, you have to submit this form to the Anganwadi center.
• Keep in mind that you have to complete the application process within 1 month of birth.
• You can also submit this application form to the health center.

The online application process in Haryana Aapki Beti Hamari Beti Yojana 2021

• First of all, you have to visit the official website of the Department of Women and Child Development.
• The home page will open in front of you.
• On the home page, you have to click on the tab of schemes.
• Now you have to click on the link for Schemes for Children.
• After that, you have to click on the link of ABHB.
• Now you have to click on the link for Click Hair for Farther details.
• After this, you have to click on the link to the application form for your daughter, our daughter scheme.
• If the application form will open in front of you.
• You will need to download this application form and print it out.
• Now you have to fill in all the information asked in this application form carefully.
  After this, you will have to attach all the important documents.
• Now you have to submit the application form for the Anganwadi center or health center.

rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He commands the horse
to stop by saying ‘whoa’ but the horse only picks up speed.

Panicking, the cowboy scream “WHOA!” but the horse only goes into a
full gallop. Then the cowboy remembers and tries saying “giddy up!”

The horse comes to a complete stop mere inches from the edge of the cliff.
The cowboy brushes the sweat from his forehead ans says “Whoa that was close.”

The horse, possessing survival instincts, knew better than to run off a cliff
and the cowboy did not face any repercussions for his poor choice of words.

A third age Scotsman was waiting for his son to return from his first date.
Finally, he arrived after midnight.
“Were you worried, father?”
“Yes, I was really worried… I want to know how much did that date cost you…”
“It cost me only four euros!”
“Hmm, it’s not that much.”
“I know father… But the girl didn’t have any more money…”

anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store & thought, “That’s what I need – a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck.” Again, Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see … 9-1/2 E.” Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size 36.”

Joe laughed. “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Man: Well, I don’t have $1M.

Also, Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18. She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey, she said, ‘you received a very strange
postcard today.

‘Oh, really? Let me see…’, he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,

and fainted. On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.’

A hardcore Chartered Accountant gets home late one night.

His wife angry and upset, says, “Where the hell have you been?”

He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo?” She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a thousand Dollar note on my privates,” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in disgust, “What is wrong with this man, why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a thousand Dollar note tattooed on his bloody privates?”

“Well, 
one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. 
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. 
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a thousand bucks anytime you want!”

Wife faints…