Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

Husband To His 22 Year Wife After Their 1st Night.
Why You Didn’t Make Any Noise Like “Ah, Uh, Oh During the S3X .”
Wife: “I Stopped That At Silly Habit Since 18Th Age“

“Why?” asks his mate.
The husband replies: “If I can get her wet, maybe we can . the slide her to the kitchen where tiles are f*cking cheaper…”

on the porn channel… you know how to fish.”

“In that case, give me my money!”

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said. “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well.” she said. “last night, I told ME ‘ husband that today would be your last day. and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”

He said. “Screw him. give him a dollar.”

The lady then added. “The breakfast was My’ idea.”

come up and that she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.
“But then, when I have a baby,” responded the teenager,
“won’t it knock my teeth out?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m Democrat.”

The teacher asked him why he is a Democrat.

Little Johnny replied, “Well my mom is a Democrat and my dad is a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.”

The teacher, annoyed by this answer, asked him, “If your mother was an idiot and your father a jerk, what would that make you?”

Little Johnny replied, “A Trump fan.”

Story : Men Will be Men

WIFE: What would you do if i died?
Would you get married again?
Husband:No! How can I think of re-marrying?
Wife-Why not? You would need company, for good and bad times. Please get married again.
Husband:Oh Darling…you are so sweet, even after death you are worried about me!
Wife: Then promise me, u will remarry if I die.
Husband: Ok, ok, i’d get married again..just for you 🙂
Wife:Would you live in our house with
your new wife?
Husband:Yes, but will never let her
use your room.
Wife:Would you let her drive my car?
Husband: No…it’s yours…I will keep it as your memory and buy a new one.
Wife:Would you give her my jewellery?
Husband: No..how can I?! It has your memories attached with them, my love.
Wife: Would she wear my shoes?
Husband: No, never! Her size is ‘5’, and yours is ‘7’!

“No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father.”

“I know,” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you.”

To his delight, the hotel is exactly as it was all those years ago, with the only exception being that the room now has a computer. So he decides to type an email to his wife. But in his excitement he forgets one letter in the email address. One letter.

Meanwhile, in a different part of the world, a widow is returning from her late husbands funeral. She arrives home, grief stricken and mourning. She decides to check her email.

The emails are what you’d expect, the usual condolences from family and friends, the “sorry for your loss” messages and comforting emails from her loved ones. With the exception of one…

The title of the email, “To my dearest wife…”
Sceptical, she opens the email. It reads:

“To my dearest wife,
It was such a shame I had to leave you behind today…”

“I was surprised when I got here to find they’ve got computers now so you can send emails! I just thought I’d let you know I got here safely”

At this point the widow doesn’t know what to make of this, but with tears in her eyes, she continues.

“Everyone here is very friendly and the room is lovely… And I’m looking forward to seeing you here tomorrow… Until then, my love, be safe and I’ll see you soon”

The widows jaw drops to the floor as she reads the last line…

“PS, it sure is freaking hot down here!”

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his “tool of the trade”. But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”

can keep smoking. Ethyl, completely confounded by this move remarks:
Ethyl: “What is that?! I need one!”
Gladys: “Oh this? Just go to the pharmacist, and tell him you need some condoms.”
So Ethyl decides right then and there she needs to get condoms immediately. She takes
a detour on her way home that day and visits the pharmacy. She walks up to the teenager
working the counter at the pharmacy and says:
Ethyl: “I’d like a pack of condoms please.”
Teenager: “Ma’am, aren’t you a little bit old to … you know?”
Ethyl: [taken aback by this] “Excuse me?! I’ve been doing this since I was a teenager!”
Realizing the guy working there had no room to speak, he asks what size she’ll need.
Ethyl: “Oh I need ones that will fit a Camel.”

in her beauty, international superpower, and
redeemer of all civilizations, she is our only mother.”

Kim Jong applauses. “What a diligent student you are.
What do you want to be when you’re older?”

The student replies “An orphan.”

Edit: Since I wrote this I’ve been hearing a Borat voice
in my head saying “Make glorious nation of Kazakhstan”
all day. I think I’m haunted.