Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

then turns to leave.
The owner says, “You’re all the same, thinking there’s nothing above this material plane of existence. Watch this.” The businessman turns around.

“Voodoo Dildo, keyhole”
To his astonishment, the businessman saw the box violently shake and the dildo rises in the air, floats for a second and hover over to the keyhole in the front door, and starts to fuck it. The dildo fucked the keyhole with such force that the door is unhinged and started cracking.

“Voodoo Dildo, box” The dildo stops fucking the door and returns to the box.
“ILL TAKE IT”, screamed the businessman, and after a lot of negotiation, he finally purchased the dildo and ran home.
He tells his wife about the dildo and how to use it. “Voodoo Dildo, pussy. That’s how you activate it”, the businessman told his wife and went on his business trip.

After 3 days of being horny, the wife finally gave in to her urges and opened the wooden box, took out the dildo and uttered “Voodoo Dildo, pussy”. The dildo shot from her hands and started fucking her. First slowly and then changing speed as the way she wanted.

After an hour of fucking, the wife thought it was enough and she grabbed the dildo. But it didn’t stop fucking her. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop the dildo.
She started panicking and called him but he didn’t pick up so she started to dress up and go for the hospital, all the while the dildo still fucking her.

She got in her car and started driving. On the way, she had a huge orgasm and her car served and almost hit another car. A police car saw this and she was stopped at the side of the highway. A policeman approached her.

“Ma’am you almost hit the grey SUV back there, have you been drinking?”
The wife then proceeds to tell him all about her husband and the voodoo Dildo and that she can’t stop it now. The policeman then says,
“Yeah right, Voodoo Dildo my ass.”

end and I’ll grab the other”

their heads.
“Well… I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!” he replied.
“Wow, fascinating!”, replied the other two.
Then the second one takes the next turn, “Watch and learn, guys!”
He flies even faster, at about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck
“What happened??” they asked.
“Do you see that village over there?” he inquired.
The others nod their heads.
“Well… I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!”
“Wow, amazing!”, replied the other two.
Finally the last one steps up and says, “Don’t blink or you’ll miss it”
He flies really fast, even faster than the other two, at about 140 miles/hour. After mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose.
“Wh..what did you do???” they asked.
“Do you see that big ass tree over there?” he inquired
“Ye..yes?!” they replied awestruck.
“Well.. I didn’t”

“That’s the fifth time
you’ve said that today”

After three years of research at a cost of more than 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s p3n|s is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their study. The Aussies didn’t trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s p3n|s is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”

alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as

well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really?

Who is giving that lecture at
this time of night?”

The man replies,
“That would be my wife.”

replies, “Ugh. It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”
“Oh yeah,” says the blond who reaches in her purse,

pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it,
takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, “I’m sorry ma’am.
If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”

a 20-minute nap, and while I’m asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker.” She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.

The girl is amazed at the old man’s stamina and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he’ll need a 20-minute nap and she’ll have to hold his di)k while he’s asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.

The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man “I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your di)k while you’re sleeping?”

The old man replies “Oh, that’s just so you don’t steal my wallet.”

finds Isaac outside where he has
drawn a square around himself.

Albert asks Newton “What kind of
hiding place is that Newton?”

and Newton replies “i am
not Newton i am a Pascal.”

Albert asks Newton “What kind of
hiding place is that Newton?”

and Newton replies “i am
not Newton i am a Pascal.”

The first one slurs…
back, “Well I have a DhD.”

The second says, exasperated, “What the hell is a DhD??”
The first cackles, “You’re some doc if you don’t know what ADHD is!

Two firemen are butt fucking in a smoked filled room. The Fire Chief walks in and says, What are you doing? Give this man mouth to mouth. One of the fireman says: I did how do you think all this shit got started…

Tom and John are hanging out. Tom asks John, “It’s fuuckin’ freezin’ in here. Can you get me my fuuckin’ slippers?”

John goes upstairs to get the slippers and he comes across Tom’s hot 21-year-old twin sisters. He tells them, “Your brother told me to have sxx with both of you.”

One of the sisters replies, “Prove it!”

John yells downstairs, “Tom! Both of them?!.”

Tom yells back, “Of course! What’s the point of fuuckin’ one?!.”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

~Emo Philips, The Best Religious Joke of All Time According to Someone

sounds strange.
Husband: Dozentit.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”