Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as

well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really?

Who is giving that lecture at
this time of night?”

The man replies,
“That would be my wife.”

replies, “Ugh. It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”
“Oh yeah,” says the blond who reaches in her purse,

pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it,
takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, “I’m sorry ma’am.
If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”

a 20-minute nap, and while I’m asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker.” She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.

The girl is amazed at the old man’s stamina and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he’ll need a 20-minute nap and she’ll have to hold his di)k while he’s asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.

The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man “I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your di)k while you’re sleeping?”

The old man replies “Oh, that’s just so you don’t steal my wallet.”

finds Isaac outside where he has
drawn a square around himself.

Albert asks Newton “What kind of
hiding place is that Newton?”

and Newton replies “i am
not Newton i am a Pascal.”

Albert asks Newton “What kind of
hiding place is that Newton?”

and Newton replies “i am
not Newton i am a Pascal.”

Two firemen are butt fucking in a smoked filled room. The Fire Chief walks in and says, What are you doing? Give this man mouth to mouth. One of the fireman says: I did how do you think all this shit got started…

The first one slurs…
back, “Well I have a DhD.”

The second says, exasperated, “What the hell is a DhD??”
The first cackles, “You’re some doc if you don’t know what ADHD is!

Tom and John are hanging out. Tom asks John, “It’s fuuckin’ freezin’ in here. Can you get me my fuuckin’ slippers?”

John goes upstairs to get the slippers and he comes across Tom’s hot 21-year-old twin sisters. He tells them, “Your brother told me to have sxx with both of you.”

One of the sisters replies, “Prove it!”

John yells downstairs, “Tom! Both of them?!.”

Tom yells back, “Of course! What’s the point of fuuckin’ one?!.”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

~Emo Philips, The Best Religious Joke of All Time According to Someone

sounds strange.
Husband: Dozentit.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

the bartender says, pouring
the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man
replies, “And that’s why
I like you better than my barber.“

however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.

The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

that America is the best country in the world.

cover it up” was not the right answer.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”
She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They’re totally amazed … They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
The lady blushes, and grins. “When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous.” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”
“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his ‘willie’ points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”