Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What’s the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the eyes won’t burn. Before washing utensils just immerse them in water tub for 10 minutes , they can be easily washed. Before washing clothes in Surf, soak them in water for half an hour , all the stains will go away and even hands won’t get tired.

Petitioner: Understood Your honour. Please return my petition.

Judge: What have you understood?

Petitioner: That your condition is worse than mine.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn’t have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.

I’m Chinese,” the Chinese man says.

“Chinese, Japanese” what’s the difference?
A few minutes later, the Chinese man slaps the Jewish man.

“What was that for?” asks the Jew.
“It’s for the Titanic.”

“The Titanic? That was an iceberg…”
“Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?” says the Chinese man.

goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies,
“I’d guess about 29.”
The woman replies with a big smile,
“Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,
“Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds,
“I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

like the perfect vacation for me. If
I can relax and do it naked, that’s a win-win.”
“I’m an accountant,” said the second man.

“I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same.”
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. “What do you do?” they asked.
“I’m a pickpocket,” said the third man. “My doctor sent me here.”

With Both Hands While
Reading.”
If You Got The Meaning ,
Hit Like

must not be consecutive.

IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

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NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

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– Yesterday I split up with my girlfriend.
– What happened, you were doing so well together.
– We were taking a shower together and she said: Darling, let’s do something really bad
– So what?
– So I spilled shampoo to her eyes

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don’t touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don’t smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don’t do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven’t touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.

front row said, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean
she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?”
The priest replied, “I mean her legs.”

then turns to leave.
The owner says, “You’re all the same, thinking there’s nothing above this material plane of existence. Watch this.” The businessman turns around.

“Voodoo Dildo, keyhole”
To his astonishment, the businessman saw the box violently shake and the dildo rises in the air, floats for a second and hover over to the keyhole in the front door, and starts to fuck it. The dildo fucked the keyhole with such force that the door is unhinged and started cracking.

“Voodoo Dildo, box” The dildo stops fucking the door and returns to the box.
“ILL TAKE IT”, screamed the businessman, and after a lot of negotiation, he finally purchased the dildo and ran home.
He tells his wife about the dildo and how to use it. “Voodoo Dildo, pussy. That’s how you activate it”, the businessman told his wife and went on his business trip.

After 3 days of being horny, the wife finally gave in to her urges and opened the wooden box, took out the dildo and uttered “Voodoo Dildo, pussy”. The dildo shot from her hands and started fucking her. First slowly and then changing speed as the way she wanted.

After an hour of fucking, the wife thought it was enough and she grabbed the dildo. But it didn’t stop fucking her. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop the dildo.
She started panicking and called him but he didn’t pick up so she started to dress up and go for the hospital, all the while the dildo still fucking her.

She got in her car and started driving. On the way, she had a huge orgasm and her car served and almost hit another car. A police car saw this and she was stopped at the side of the highway. A policeman approached her.

“Ma’am you almost hit the grey SUV back there, have you been drinking?”
The wife then proceeds to tell him all about her husband and the voodoo Dildo and that she can’t stop it now. The policeman then says,
“Yeah right, Voodoo Dildo my ass.”

end and I’ll grab the other”

their heads.
“Well… I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!” he replied.
“Wow, fascinating!”, replied the other two.
Then the second one takes the next turn, “Watch and learn, guys!”
He flies even faster, at about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck
“What happened??” they asked.
“Do you see that village over there?” he inquired.
The others nod their heads.
“Well… I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!”
“Wow, amazing!”, replied the other two.
Finally the last one steps up and says, “Don’t blink or you’ll miss it”
He flies really fast, even faster than the other two, at about 140 miles/hour. After mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose.
“Wh..what did you do???” they asked.
“Do you see that big ass tree over there?” he inquired
“Ye..yes?!” they replied awestruck.
“Well.. I didn’t”

“That’s the fifth time
you’ve said that today”

After three years of research at a cost of more than 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s p3n|s is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their study. The Aussies didn’t trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s p3n|s is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”