What’s better than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that’s filled with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you.
From naughty gags to close-to-the-knuckle toilet humor, look no further. Short rude jokes, jokes, chat-up lines, Rude knock-knock jokes.
the man answers indignantly.“Oh, I’m sorry,”
says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither
did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the man replied. “She’s married and we can’t go to her house.
I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it
here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.”
“ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink tip” the teacher gasps “ that’s disgusting!!!!” Dirty Ernie goes “ no it’s a pencil “
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your b*tt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-A$$ grill for one little weenie?”
Johnny then answers: “Those are storks eggs”
Mary is still intrigued: “But Johnny what are these?” while pointing at the pubic hairs
Johnny isn’t bothered by Marys stupid questions and says: “That’s the storks nest leave me alone already”
The next day Johnny wakes up in a hospital bed and his groin is so painful
Noticing Mary he asks: “Mary, what happened to me?”
Mary answers: “Johnny, I played with your stork yesterday but it spat in my face! I got very angry, I broke the storks neck, smashed its eggs and set the nest on fire”
sister’s funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral
for such a small child more awkward than it already was.
the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”
but I must warn you, I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”
and she replies with,
“tat for tit”
freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy.
He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came,
he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention,
so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as
the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew,
smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one,
he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner.
“I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat;
we’re strapping you in and doing this now.”
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”
A man, his wife, and his son all go to a nuude beach. Naturally, the young son has lots of questions. He runs to his father, “Dad! Dad! All of the women have these things hanging from their chests!”
His father tells him, “Son, those are breasts. The women with large ones are dumb and the small ones are smart.”
Soon after the son comes running again, “Mom! Mom! All of the guys have these things dangling between their legs!”
The mom replies, “Those are called p*nis’. The men with the big ones are dumb and the men with small ones are smart.”
A little bit later the son runs up to his mom and asks her, “Mom! Mom! Is being dumb contagious? Dad is talking to a really dumb lady and he keeps getting dumber and dumber.”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.
A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again – “p3nis”, this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.
Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word “p3nis” again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.
Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: “See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!”
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember