Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

sister’s funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral
for such a small child more awkward than it already was.

the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”

freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy.

and she replies with,
“tat for tit”

He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came,
he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention,
so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as
the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew,
smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one,
he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner.

“I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat;
we’re strapping you in and doing this now.”
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

A man, his wife, and his son all go to a nuude beach. Naturally, the young son has lots of questions. He runs to his father, “Dad! Dad! All of the women have these things hanging from their chests!”

His father tells him, “Son, those are breasts. The women with large ones are dumb and the small ones are smart.”

Soon after the son comes running again, “Mom! Mom! All of the guys have these things dangling between their legs!”

The mom replies, “Those are called p*nis’. The men with the big ones are dumb and the men with small ones are smart.”

A little bit later the son runs up to his mom and asks her, “Mom! Mom! Is being dumb contagious? Dad is talking to a really dumb lady and he keeps getting dumber and dumber.”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.
A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again – “p3nis”, this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.
Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word “p3nis” again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.
Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: “See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember

to be honest with me.’
‘Ok’ said the boyfriend ‘I fucked your sister’.

A woman with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying.
A man walks up to her and says “What’s wrong?” She replies “I’ve never been hugged before.” The man looks around and gives her a hug.  The next day he encounters the same woman, crying again on the beach. He asks her again, “What’s wrong now?”She says” I’ve never been kissed before.” So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says “What’s wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed.” This time she replies “Yea, but I’ve never been f*****d before.” The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her “Well, you’re f*****d now!”

there. Once there the PI hands him a pair of binoculars and points across the street at the neighboring high rise.
There is one of the windows is his wife getting it on with a coworker.

Fuming with rage he says to the PI “how much would it cost me for you to shoot his dick off and blow her brains out?” “I generally charge $100000 A bullet” ” done “

So the PI grabs a black case opens it up and assembles a rifle and then aims down the sights at the window.
After a couple of seconds, he says” you know I reckon I can save you $100 000″

and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. . . ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

she answers. The pro replied: “your
stance is too wide”.