Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

What’s better than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that’s filled with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you.

From naughty gags to close-to-the-knuckle toilet humor, look no further. Short rude jokes, jokes, chat-up lines, Rude knock-knock jokes.

What Are Some of The Dark Lessons That Life Showed You ?

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What are some of the dark lessons that life showed you?

    1 Never tell people 100%, tell them 70% about yourself, and 30% should be hidden.
    2 Anyone you love can die. Any time. Cherish them.

    3 Fairness is unnatural. Nothing is 100% fair.

    4 Live life the way you want to live it. Because even people who care for you can’t be with you every step of the way.

   5 People only want to hear the good, not the bad. So if you have issues, it’ll be hard to find people to confide in.

  6 Respect yourself, because people can see if you don’t.

 7 Everyone has a mask and they play different ones to different people. Lovers, families, coworkers…you’ll be surprised how different people can be in different social contexts.

 8 Some people are evil for the sake of it. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT IF YOU END UP IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT PERSON. GET OUT OF IT.

 10 It doesn’t matter how good your grades are, because grades aren’t everything and people pay more attention to your social skills. Grades only take you halfway.

  11 Once you hurt someone, they’re not likely to forget. They will always remember how much you’ve hurt them. One negligible action can have devastating consequences.

When Two Blonde Meet

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‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

Husband wife and their lovers both caught together.

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me!!” “Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Really, I can’t,” he replied.“My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.

Husband wife and their loversThe wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face, and said,
“Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

Couple on beach

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calls out.
“Oh yes,” says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. “I found this engagement ring. The owner lost it when she was cheating on her fiance.”
The man laughs, “That’s a nice ring and a nice story. What else do you got?”
The detectorist presents another ring. “This ring belonged to a married woman. She also lost it while having s3x with another man on this beach.”
“Sure buddy,” said the man, “I should’ve listened to my wife.”
“Maybe,” says the detectorist as he pulled out another ring, “and while you’re at it, give this back to her.”
A look of shock comes over his face.
“Relax,” says the detectorist, “she only gave me head.”

Drunk Women in the Bar

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Drunk Blonde A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman looks her up and down and says, “First off, it’s bartender, not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And third, you don’t have heartburn, your b**b is in the ashtray.”

What Kind of People Will Not Succeed In Life?

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People who don’t have social connections.
    People who are academically smart, but are utter idiots in life.
    People who are not willing to fail.
    People who won’t let go of their ego and kill it.
    People who are not willing to leave the past behind, cut it off, and move on.
    People who are friends with negative assholes that constantly bring them down because “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
    “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” You won’t succeed if you won’t change your attitude, and instead will be desperately trying to change the world, the environment, and others.
    “Those who have a why to live, can bear with almost any how.” If you don’t have a why, game over.  

When A Doctor Was Having an Affair with his a Nurse.

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she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back.
I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'”