Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

infinite number of us? Just play along”

“There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks.
I couldn’t serve you half a beer even if I wanted to.”

“But that’s not a problem” mathematician #3 chimes in “at
the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers.
You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-“

“I know how limits work” interjects the bartender “Oh, alright then.
I didn’t want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics”

“Are you kidding me?” The bartender replies, “you learn limits in like,
9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?”

“HE’S ON TO US” mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours
a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing
insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular,
polychromatic swarm. “FOOLS” it booms in unison, “I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA”

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. “But wait” he
inturrupts, thinking fast, “if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe
as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!”

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. “My God, you’re right. We didn’t
think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!” and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. “How did you know that that would work?”

“It’s simple really,” the bartender says. “I saw that the vectors formed a gradient,
and therefore must be conservative.”

“No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

with Eve and know her.” “Lord, what is ‘know her’?”
asks Adam. God replies,

“You must make love to Eve.” “Lord, what is ‘make love?”
asks Adam. God explains,

And Adam smiles and takes Eve behind a bush. A few seconds later,
Adam returns and asks, “Lord, what is a headache?”

waiting on the other sides and immediately decides to give it a try.
While slipping his junk into the first hole, he notices there’s a
small American flag on the wall.

From behind the wall, he hears “Rub-a-dub-dub! Thanks for the grub!”
and promptly receives incredible oral that leaves him breathless.

Thinking it would be a waste to leave now, he walks up to a second
hole with a Japanese flag above it and inserts his johnson.

From behind the wall, he hears “Itadakimasu!” and receives
mind-blowing service that almost makes his knees buckle.

Excited to try another, he eagerly walks up to a third hole with
a French flag above it and places his member into the hole.

From behind the wall, he hears “Bon appétit!”, but quickly
takes his junk back out.

Confused, the French woman behind the wall peers through the
hole and sees the man putting his pants back on with a sad
expression and shuffling back to the exit,
muttering “…it’s not THAT petite…”

that the school year
started off on the right foot.

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his d*ck and f*cks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
When he’s done, the pr0stitute all exhausted and tired says, “But you said you won’t be able to….”
“…pay you.” replied the old man.

Guy: “I said, I’m here to get fucked!”
Voice: “What, again?”

a movie…
Then dropped her off at
her parents’ house.

“We’re working” the first blonde replies.
“Just the two of you?” He inquires.
“Well” the second blonde chimes in, “there’s usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick”

What are some of the dark lessons that life showed you?

    1 Never tell people 100%, tell them 70% about yourself, and 30% should be hidden.
    2 Anyone you love can die. Any time. Cherish them.

    3 Fairness is unnatural. Nothing is 100% fair.

    4 Live life the way you want to live it. Because even people who care for you can’t be with you every step of the way.

   5 People only want to hear the good, not the bad. So if you have issues, it’ll be hard to find people to confide in.

  6 Respect yourself, because people can see if you don’t.

 7 Everyone has a mask and they play different ones to different people. Lovers, families, coworkers…you’ll be surprised how different people can be in different social contexts.

 8 Some people are evil for the sake of it. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT IF YOU END UP IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT PERSON. GET OUT OF IT.

 10 It doesn’t matter how good your grades are, because grades aren’t everything and people pay more attention to your social skills. Grades only take you halfway.

  11 Once you hurt someone, they’re not likely to forget. They will always remember how much you’ve hurt them. One negligible action can have devastating consequences.

“well gee, I guess lets here the good news first.”
So the lawyer said “You’re wife has found a picture worth One Million dollars.”
The client replied, “Oh that’s fantastic! But whats the bad news?”
“It’s a picture of you and your secretary.”

‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

Drunk Blonde A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman looks her up and down and says, “First off, it’s bartender, not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And third, you don’t have heartburn, your b**b is in the ashtray.”