Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

Answer: The person was born in 2005 B.C. (Before Christ).
Therefore, he was 5 years old in 2000 B.C, 10 in 1995 B.C, and 15 in 1990 B.C.

GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins… nothing… The vendor has a good memory.
“What now?” he asks, a bit annoyed at the repeat activity.

She looks at the man, holding his gaze and carefully says “I. Wanna. Get. WEIGHED.”
He ends the date right there and storms off.

Dejected, the girl goes home to her roommate, who asks, “How was your date?”
She throws the stuffed animal to the ground and shouts, “Wousy!”

I’m afraid you’re going to
have to stop m@sturbating.”
“I don’t understand, doc,”

the patient says. “Why?”
“Because,” the doctor says.
“I’m trying to examine you.”

Next day the blonde came…
home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”
The mother says, “Very good honey.” The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” The mother responds, “Yes dear.”
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts.
Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”

An old man is selling watermelons. His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. “That’d be 3 dollars”, says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, “Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing.”
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, “People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…”

bodyguard and says “ Thank you, but
why did you yell Mickey Mouse”
The bodyguard replies “Sorry Sir,
I meant to say Donald, Duck.”

off, and he’ll be fine.”
“Are you a vet?” I asked.
He replied, “Vet?… I’m fucking soaking.”

crawled out from under her skirt and said,

“I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Syria.”

The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Syria either.”

and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless. The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent there eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.

And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

bedtime,
the daughter says – God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.

The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do.
He doesn’t want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime –
God bless mommy….she turns her head and looks straight at him – and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey?

She nods. The man’s heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can’t sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook,
cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.

He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by.
Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death.
He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him – Where the hell were you today??! He replies –
Don’t shout, I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says – You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day!
First, the milkman drops dead on the steps…

so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

He suddenly shouted and said look mom,
They are fighting for CHEWING GUM.

He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, “What is a penis?” The dad whips his out and says to the boy, “This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis.”

The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, “This is a penis, and if it was

stunned, but plows forward
and asks, “Is your dad home?”

The kid replies, “What the
fuck do you think?”