What’s better than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that’s filled with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you.
From naughty gags to close-to-the-knuckle toilet humor, look no further. Short rude jokes, jokes, chat-up lines, Rude knock-knock jokes.
float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys’ dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!” His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys’ balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes
with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam
the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
surprise for him when he comes back. Finally comes
the day when he’s due back home and as soon as
he steps through the door they fall in each
other’s arms and the situation quickly turns
into a passionate lovemaking session.
It gets so intense that every position is used
and no hole is left unattended.
They finish with anal and it’s only
when the guy is done that he notices
the tattoos and asks: Who’s Bob?
greatest, isn’t he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok”.
Surprised, the pope follows up with: “He visits every year?! It’s been over two
millennia and we’re still waiting for his SECOND coming!”
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize.
“Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”
The pope retorts “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”
The alien says “Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates!
Why? What did you guys do?”
Officer: Madam swimming is prohibited in this lake.
Lady: then why dint you tell me when I was removing my clothes?
Officer: well, that’s not prohibited.
– Yesterday I split up with my girlfriend.
– What happened, you were doing so well together.
– We were taking a shower together and she said: Darling, let’s do something really bad
– So what?
– So I spilled shampoo to her eyes
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
“Is this her first child?” the doctor Asks.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
Police: Why did not report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than wife.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’ Johnny says, to you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.’ After school. Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ His mom says. ‘No.’ He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His Mom replies. ‘Ok, tell me what you think? He says, last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.’
He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, paut his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$1000!” she cried, “$1000 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $1000.”
on her nipples, she says “I’m
getting my mammogram done somewhere else”
if you don’t believe me…bring me 3 different pieces of wood and I’ll bet you $1000 I can identify each type of wood just by smelling it.” The lumberjacks took his bet and each returned with a different piece of freshly cut wood. They handed the old man the first piece…he smelled it and said “there’s no mistaking that strong scent…that boys is pine.”
He was correct. The lumberjacks weren’t fully convinced and realized they had given him an easy one so they handed the old man the 2nd piece of wood. The old man smelled it and said “that’s a tough one but I know for a fact that right there is oak.” Once again…he was correct. The lumberjacks knew they were about to be out of $1000 so they huddled to devise a plan to try to throw the old man off.
The one lumberjack said “I have an idea…you boys remember how I was tellin’ y’all about how my wife gave me some pussy and a piece of ass this morning before I left the house? Watch this…” He walked over to the old man, pulled out his dick, and said here you go old man…take a whiff of this wood and tell me what it is!” The old man smelled it…paused…and took one more good whiff and said “That there boys is a plank off of the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.”
The King of Spain drops his and the
Spanish crowd shout “Viva la España!!”
The King of England drops his, but
there is a long silence from the crowd,
and then everybody shouts “God save the Queen!!!”
