Story Teller A huge heart-shaped mausoleum covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes turned to him, he said, ‘I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral! I’m a gynaecologist.’
He comes across a patient walking through the halls and asks “Who are you?”
The patient answers “I’m Napoleon.”
Not sure how to handle this, the intern decides to be polite and asks “How do you know?”
The patient responds “Jesus told me.”
Another patient, overhearing this conversation, suddenly turns around and says “No, I didn’t.”
CEO: When you joined the company, you were just an intern. Within a year, I promoted you from intern to associate, from associate to manager, and from manager to senior manager.
I keep promoting you because I recognized your talent and hard work. Today, I’ve called you in to tell you that I’m preparing to promote you to vice president. Do you have anything to say?”
The young man replies, “Thanks.”
CEO: “Thanks? Is that really all you have to say to me?”
After thinking for a while, the young man finally spoke:
“Thanks, Dad.”
The new rooster walks up arrogantly to the old rooster and says “out of the way old man! These are my hens now. Your time is done.” The old rooster rolls his eyes.
“Alright, fine, I get it. I’m old. But I still have some living left to do, and won’t give up my hens so easily. There is only room in this coop for one of us. Let’s settle it this way: we race around the coop. The winner stays, and the other goes.” The young rooster agrees to the challenge.
The old rooster says “but listen, I’m not the young cock I once was. You have to give me a 5 second head start to make it fair.” The young rooster agrees to these terms.
When race time comes, the young rooster counts down to start it. “3… 2…1… go!” The old rooster takes off running, giving it his all. After 5 seconds, the new rooster takes off after him. As they round the first turn of the race, the new rooster is already about to catch up to the old one, right on his heels.
The farmer is sitting on his porch watching. He stands up, grabs his shotgun, and shoots the young rooster, leaving only some blood and feathers. He says “DAMN IT! That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
The waiter asks, “What will you have today?”
“White wine, and a salad.” “White wine and a salad, also.” “White wine! And a salad!”
The conversation starts and Amanda says, “Why don’t you tell us a little about your life, Stacey?”
Stacey says, “It’s amazing! I’m married to an international businessman and we travel all over the world in our own 747! We have a home in Paris, we have a home in Palm Springs, we take our yacht to Saint-Tropez. Last week we were with the Kardsashians and I think Kim is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met! What about you, Amanda?”
“Well, much like you, Stacey. I’m married to an international heart surgeon and we travel the world in our 747. We have a home in London, a home in Miami, and I shop on Rodeo Drive. Last week we were with the Obamas and I think Michelle is the sweetest person I’ve ever met!”
And there sat Hilda. “What about you girl, what’s your life been like?”
“Well nothing like yours. I just married old Joe Jones out of college and we live in a really nice double-wide just out of town. He cuts meat down at the grocery store and we went to Six Flags last year and the kids were really excited about that.”
“Hilda, what happened? You were everything in college! You were the cheerleading captain, you dated the quarterback of the football team – isn’t there anything extraordinary about your life?”
“The only thing I can think of is that when Joe gets sexually aroused and has an erection [Hilda lifts a finger and points with her other hand] we can put 13 parrots on there, like this.”
Amanda wrinkled her brow, looked over her glasses and said, “How many?” “13 parrots.”
Hmm.
They keep drinking white wine and talking and the truth starts to come out. Stacey says, “Guys I got to level with you. I lied earlier. My husband isn’t an international businessman, he’s a real estate agent and we live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We got to go to Dollywood last years and the kids were real excited about that.”
Amanda said, “Guys, I lied, too. My husband isn’t a heart surgeon, he sells insurance where we live, in Topeka, Kansas. We went to Branson last year on vacation and that was kind of fun.”
Stacey said, “Hilda, thank you for being so honest with us earlier, but is there ANYTHING you might have exaggerated about your life?”
Hilda said, “Well, sometimes, [points at tip of finger] when we put that 13th parrot right there on the end, it has to flap its wings to stay on!”
Chatting in the pub with my Scottish pal and I was stuck on a crossword clue; “Stranded on a Desert Island (8)”
“Marooned?” He said.
I replied “Oh nice one, I’ll have another beer but I still need an answer when you come back.”
“Why”? Putin asks
“I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. – I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she has it tomorrow. – I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it’s not today.”
“Indeed” Putin replies “but that’s only minor stuff, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn’t taken off yet!!”
and I still can’t get it to work.”
The electrician examined the lamp, then nodded his head. “Well, this lamp has a built-in clapper, see?”
“‘Clapper?'” the novice repeated.
The electrician nodded again, then clapped his hands… and the novice was enlightened.
‘Oh,’ replies the husband, ‘that’s my mistress.’
‘Well, that’s the last straw,’ says the wife. ‘I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.’
‘I can understand that,’ replies her husband, ‘but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.’
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
‘Who’s that woman with Jim?’ asks the wife.
‘That’s his mistress,’ says her husband.
‘Ours is much prettier,’ she replies
The farmer nodded. “Sure thing, but I have to go inside to get the money.” With that, he disappeared inside.The driver’s companion said, “What are you planning to do?”“I’m giving him a ten,” snickered the driver. “I’ll mark up the zero to look like an eight. He’ll never know the difference.”The farmer reappeared with a battered wallet. He took the bill offered him with the barest glance and put it into his pocket. Then he looked up and said, “How do you want the change? Two nines or three sixes?”
and another …” The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, “Mam … I don’t know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener.”
