A newly divorced woman is strolling along the beach, disappointed about how horribly the divorce settlement turned out for her.
As she’s walking, she spots an old lamp half buried in the sand. Hopelessly, she picks it up and rubs the lamp, and to her surprise, a genie appears!
The genie notices she is upset and lets her vent before proceeding to grant her three wishes. He, however, cautions her that he is not a fan of divorce, and will give her ex-husband ten times of whatever she wishes.
She winces, but asks for her first wish. “I wish to have a billion dollars.”
Poof! The next second, mountains of crisp banknotes, amounting to a billion dollars, surround her. Her happiness is short-lived as the genie reminds her, “Your ex-husband now has ten billion dollars. Next?”
Her face has started to turn red, but she composes herself. “I wish for a 25,000 sq ft private mansion on this beach.”
Instantly, a beautifully luxurious mansion, with all modern facilities, appears in front of her. Before she could revel in the joy, the genie pointed her in a direction, where to her horror, stood ten similar, magnificent mansions.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, “This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?”
“Of course it is,” said the Lord, smiling. “Who can he tell?”
“Your pizza is superb,” the customer tells the chef. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.” “Naturally,” the chef says. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!”
“I’ll have frosties, bitch” WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year old and says sternly “And what do you want?” “I don’t know, but it won’t be fucking frosties”
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?” The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.” The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. “And how about you, Sarah?” “I wanna be Johnny’s whore.”
In a small village, a weary traveler arrived late at night, hungry and without shelter. He knocked on many doors, but each one turned him away, saying they had no room or food to offer. Finally, he came to a humble house at the edge of the village, where an old woman lived alone.
Without hesitation, the woman welcomed the traveler inside. She offered him the last of her bread and gave him a place to rest. The next morning, the traveler thanked the woman, and as he left, he revealed himself to be an angel sent by Jesus to test the hearts of the villagers.
The old woman’s kindness was rewarded with an abundance of blessings. Her home was filled with food, and she was never in need again. The villagers, having learned of their missed opportunity, were reminded of Jesus’ teaching: “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.”
1. The Lost Coin
A woman in a village had ten silver coins, each of great value. One day, she realized that she had lost one of the coins. Though she still had nine, she was deeply troubled by the loss of that single coin. She lit a lamp, swept her house, and searched carefully until she found it.
Overjoyed, she called her neighbors and said, “Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin!”
In this parable, Jesus teaches that every soul is precious in the eyes of God. Just as the woman rejoiced over finding her lost coin, so does heaven rejoice when one sinner repents and returns to God.
2. The Good Samaritan
A man was traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho when he was attacked by robbers. They beat him, took everything he had, and left him lying half-dead by the roadside. A priest happened to be going down the same road, but when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. A Levite also came to the place, saw him, and passed by on the other side.
But a Samaritan, despised by others, came where the man was. When he saw him, he took pity on him. He bandaged his wounds, placed him on his own donkey, and brought him to an inn to take care of him. The next day, the Samaritan gave the innkeeper money and said, “Look after him, and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense.”
Through this parable, Jesus teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves, showing kindness and compassion to all, regardless of their background or status.
3. The Wise and Foolish Builders
Two men set out to build their houses. The first man was wise and built his house on a solid rock. The second man, eager to finish quickly, built his house on sandy ground. When a storm came, the winds blew, and the rain poured down. The house built on the rock stood firm, but the house built on the sand collapsed with a great crash.
Jesus used this story to illustrate the importance of building our lives on a strong foundation—His teachings. Those who hear His words and put them into practice are like the wise man who built his house on the rock. But those who hear His words and ignore them are like the foolish man whose house could not withstand the storm.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” And so on. The bartender pours two beers and says, “You guys need to know your limits.”
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster
Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs
Police: I pulled you over since it seems like you are drunk. Do you mind me doing a test on you?
Rob: Sure.
Police: You see a vehicle with two headlights behind you. What is the vehicle?
Rob: A car?
Police: Yes, but what type of car? A BMW? A Honda?
Rob: How would I know that?
Police: See? You’re drunk!
Rob: No, I’m not.
Police: Ok. You see a vehicle behind you with one headlight. What is the vehicle?
Rob: A motorcycle?
Police: Yes, but what type of motorcycle? A Yamaha? A Harley?
Rob: I don’t know.
Police: See? You’re drunk!
Rob: No. Let me ask you a question. You see a woman standing on a curb. Heels, fishnet, stockings, short mini skirt, and flagging cars down. What is she?
Police: A prostitute.
Rob: Yeah, but is it your wife, your mother, or your daughter?
