Next day the blonde came…
home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”
The mother says, “Very good honey.” The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” The mother responds, “Yes dear.”
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts.
Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”
Story Teller
Dark Humour Funny Jokes
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words
“antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
When Old Man is Selling Watermelons
An old man is selling watermelons. His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. “That’d be 3 dollars”, says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, “Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing.”
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, “People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…”
An Assassin is Running Towards Trump
bodyguard and says “ Thank you, but
why did you yell Mickey Mouse”
The bodyguard replies “Sorry Sir,
I meant to say Donald, Duck.”
German Man Saved the Dog
off, and he’ll be fine.”
“Are you a vet?” I asked.
He replied, “Vet?… I’m fucking soaking.”
When Soldier Need Nun’s Help
crawled out from under her skirt and said,
“I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Syria.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Syria either.”
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
bedtime,
the daughter says – God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do.
He doesn’t want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime –
God bless mommy….she turns her head and looks straight at him – and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey?
She nods. The man’s heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can’t sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook,
cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by.
Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death.
He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him – Where the hell were you today??! He replies –
Don’t shout, I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says – You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day!
First, the milkman drops dead on the steps…
When Professor, a CEO, and a Janitor go to the Jungle
so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
The hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.
and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless. The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent there eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.
And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.
Son Telling Mom About Kiss
He suddenly shouted and said look mom,
They are fighting for CHEWING GUM.
The Perfect Size ?
He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, “What is a penis?” The dad whips his out and says to the boy, “This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis.”
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, “This is a penis, and if it was
Man gets hilarious reply from Smoker kid
stunned, but plows forward
and asks, “Is your dad home?”
The kid replies, “What the
fuck do you think?”
Hilarious Women
hree women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, “I know what I’m going to have.” The other to asked how. She replied, “Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy”. The red head said, “If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a blonde in the train
into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the
blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope
me in the dark mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.”
The Frenchman thinks “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde
in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that
French twat again.”
10 Qualities of Americans that Set them Apart
America is a land of opportunities and millions flock to the nation every year. But what makes this country so special are the Americans themselves rather than anything else. Living a life of an American means living a free and a quality life. It means the freedom to choose anything without any restrictions. If you want to have an idea of what it’s like to be an American, then read these 10 qualities that set the Americans apart from the rest.
America is a land of opportunities and millions flock to the nation every year. But what makes this country so special are the Americans themselves rather than anything else. Living a life of an American means living a free and a quality life. It means the freedom to choose anything without any restrictions. If you want to have an idea of what it’s like to be an American, then read these 10 qualities that set the Americans apart from the rest.
1. Americans have a really BIG heart
America is big and so are the hearts of its people. Americans are known to be the most kind and generous of all. They don’t hesitate to open their hearts, homes and pockets to those who are in need.
2. Americans grasp the opportunities to work hard
A real American is the one, who when presented with an opportunity, grabs it with both hands and then works hard. They are good at taking advantages of the chances offered and making the most of them. No wonder the nation continues to excel so much.
3. Americans become who they want to be
Americans carry a deep passion for their work and choose a profession they like, without getting influenced by others. They don’t become doctors and engineers because their parents wanted them to be. They are people who simply enjoy what they do.
4. Americans share a feeling of unity
Supporting each other and standing by each other’s side, Americans remain united at all times. They work to ensure that America does not become a nation without unity. Their dream to progress as a nation is what makes America the United States of America.
5. Americans know the value of life
Americans value life whether it’s a human or an animal. Anything that shows signs of life is valuable to them. They will go to any lengths to rescue living beings from danger. Many have even lost their lives while saving animals.
6. Americans have dignity in their work
For Americans, there is no such thing as a ‘small job’ – a job is a job. Irrespective of being a waiter, a cab driver or a plumber, they show pride in what they do. They don’t feel ashamed to talk about their occupation.
7. Americans are particular about cleanliness
Americans are very much concerned about cleanliness, especially at public places. They will neither take a leak on some wall nor throw garbage at the side of a road. They will not litter or throw away wrappers of chips, chocolates etc. on the road.
8. Americans love being self sufficient
Americans like to be independent and they work very hard for that. They would never want themselves to depend on others for their basic needs. They don’t like waiting around for others to help them out and would rather make their own way.
9. Americans understand value of time
Time is money. And the Americans are firm believers of this. They are ever so punctual and they don’t like getting late to classes, parties, appointments, employment interviews etc. They try their best to get their work done on time.
10. Americans make immigrants feel at home
Americans never stand too close or push anyone when standing in a queue. They always keep a smiling face while greeting strangers. They treat everyone around them nicely and maintain relationships with immigrants in such a way that they feel as if they were in their own country.
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If every other nation starts taking some cue from America and adopt the qualities they possess, the world could be a much better place to live in. Think about it.